|Dear Representative Johnson
I wont beat around the bush. You never struck me as the sort
of man who cared about human rights, so, when I ask you to endorse
House Bill 474, which adds sexual orientation to the list of categories
protected from discrimination in housing, employment, credit, and
public accommodations, I do so because I think your endorsement of
that bill will help you pick up chicks.
I know from conversations with local female politicians that you
have never let family values deter you from hitting on the most unlikely
women (women who find you repulsive because you are anti-choice and
look like an 80-year-old heroin addict in a pink cashmere sweater)
even though you are married to your most recent ex-wife-to-be.
Face it: according to some credible theories we are all inherently
bisexual. Even lesbians. If you can appear to be a caring and open-minded
legislator, then maybe the number of unlikely targets for your restless
insecurity-driven and hopelessly oblivious come-ons will increase,
onced you are on speaking terms with outstanding members of the gay
and lesbian community. In fact, according to popular male fantasy,
lesbian couples like to have sex with men.
Now please dont take this the wrong way. Im not trying
to accuse you of being heterosexual. You are more likely to score
with gay guys too if you support this bill. And gay men are less likely
to be turned off by your anti-choice stance then are women.
So think about whats more important to you: working against
human rights, or getting laid.
The choice is yours.
-Your loyal constituent