30 May 1999
The Fifth Column &
SUPERVALU Champaign Distribution Center
May 6, 1999
To: All Drivers and Garage Personnel
Per the Warn Notice letter, the one that confirmed
that SUPERVALU is an outlaw continuing criminal enterprise, and
other recent threats and communications,
we will begin transitioning our transportation operations to Risk
Transportation beginning May 16, and finalizing on or about May 30,
2010. This transitionalization will be
awkward for us, and potentially devastating for you, but is ultimately
in the best interest of SUPERVALU. If you had ever tasted 120
million dollars, then you might understand
the sweetness of 191 million dollars.
It is hard for us to put this into terms we think you can understand.
Any SUPERVALU driver signed on as a Risk Owner Operator will be the
first to transition. Let us pause now for a prayer,
then, if anyone else is slow witted enough
to take our bait, we might be able to get more Risk Owner Operators
signed on and head for the border with all that
cash SUPERVALU is throwing around these days. SUPERVALU drivers
by seniority from a volunteer sign-up list, will be given the opportunity
to leave. Or if you should die in an explosion
in the next couple of weeks, we will grant you the full severance package.
LOOK OUT>>>STAMPEDE!!!! The $100.00 per
day severance enhancement will also apply to all Garage personnel who
work for SUPERVALU beyond May 15, 1999. Plus,
if you have worked for us for more than twenty years, you get a pin,
which will symbolize all you mean to us.
After that, SUPERVALU drivers in reverse seniority will be notified
of their last scheduled workday. Due to schedule changes and inconvenience
caused, we will pay an enhancement to the previously announced severance
package of $100.00, and some leftover coke from
when we helped Ollie North and Bill Clinton do that contra thing out
of Arkansas back in the 80s, per day for each day actually worked
past May 15, 1999. Garage personnel will also be notified of their last
scheduled day to work during this transition period. These
last scheduled days will be determined by knocking over milk bottles
by throwing baseballs, or by throwing dice, to be decided at the discretion
of management. Middle Management. M M. Mmmm... Middle Man. That's us.
But you can call us "The Man."
If you have any questions regarding the foregoing information, please
contact either Dave Burton or myself. We can usually
be found drinking a special single malt scotch older than your children
and worth more, per bottle, than you, in a room paneled in oak, and
Director of Distribution
P.S. Sorry you guys' little union thing didn't
pan out. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a fireman. I also used
to pull the wings off flies and put them on the edge of the toilet,
and watch them crawl. They would either fall in by accident or not.
But now I'm middle management and I have vomited up my soul. I know,
deep in my heart, that some of
you will end up, as a result of this, with better jobs. But you will
find no trace of that understanding in my paralytic scowl. Have you
ever drowned a puppy? Knowing that it might have lived long enough to
be loyal? No?