Johnny Werd and the Revolution in Florida
Werd knew he would have to flee Miami, and he knew somehow his destiny
lay south. Even though he left his books in New York, he was worried about
Castro. Werd was eating Ramen noodles when he heard on NPR that Castro
had fainted during a speech. Werd choked, and noodles flew everywhere.
And he thought about vectors and how he could render the flight of the
noodles in ASCII. Tildes. Lots of tildes.
Following the intuitions of Johnny Werd, Florida seceded from the
nation. After a vicious struggle which culminated in Miami, when that
other Bush kid boarded a Lear jet and fled to Texas. Florida's chief
exports were mosquitos, sand, brief but vicious thunderstorms, alligators,
coconuts, key lime pie, and alternative rock music. After the embargo
was imposed by president - er, ah, I'm totally blanking on the name,
geez I knew it a second ago - well, after the embargo was imposed by
the president of the United States, then it became necessary for Johnny
Werd to travel the world with his associate Komninos Zervos, the world's
leading mosquito economist, to establish cordial relations with other
countries. Their misadventures in the various capital letters of the
second and third persons are documented elsewhere.
After Werd's agrarian reform, many rich people had to flee Miami,
which really pissed them off, since many of them had already had to
flee Cuba. Still, according to the letter of Werd's law, all their fabulous
parties in mansions on the beach with tigers in cages and bowls of cocaine
would now be given to the people, the people of Florida, those flawed
people, delirious from the heat, hypersexual and violently criminal,
whose prostitutes' billboards were crawling with lizards and peeling
in the tropical heat. So the rich fled to Atlanta, and had new parties,
but were bitter.
Jeb Bush would issue denunciations on national TV from one of his
parents' lawns where he was golfing in exile, but Werd had prevailed:
Florida became a free state.
Werd: The Fire Continues)