Sunday April 7 1996

Apparently, more than one character was napping on the softball field forcing an angry team manager to threaten to withhold food: that woke them up! In an unrelated story, a spider lost a contact lens and a cat killed it with a rolled-up newspaper: and crushed its contact lens! Meanwhile some Vikings are marching into battle to the triumphant music of…: a triangle! In an unrelated story a white golfer forgot everything on the course today: including his wallet! Meanwhile a bunch of white people with blonde hair prefer the Easter bunny: Santa Claus is a moralizer. Meanwhile another white person shouldn’t have washed his car: a robin shat on it! Meanwhile, filling in for Bil Keane, little Billy draws this Easter cartoon. In a different neighborhood, a white mother of two shamed her nerdy husband: she delivered a concise maxim of antiintellectualism! In a tree, a bunch of birds weren’t playing dice: they were trying to figure out what was in the gumbo! A white king looking for Easter eggs was embarrassed: he interrupted a church service and ordered the execution of the Easter Bunny! Meanwhile a white superhero in an exotic land full of monsters was shocked: there was weird genetic engineering stuff going on! A white woman on a different page was sent running to find a husband and breed more white people. A white child in the suburbs playing softball was embarrassed: he aimed funny! A white dog rolling in manure made the kind of mistake only a dog could: he attributed it to the Easter cow. In an unrelated story lower on the page, a white man with a tie working late in an office job was treated unfairly by his white male boss: but he didn’t care! Meanwhile, more white people parents fooled one of their children: it thought it stopped time but it didn’t! Under the surface of that scenario was a shark calling for surf on a teleshell speaking to a crab emerging from a beer can labeled “beer:” hang up! White people: enjoy children, meaningless office jobs, cute animals, Easter, barbarians, and patriarchy!

Newspoetry at Spineless Books