Today the entire social security fund is being taken in a fleet of armored trucks to Atlantic City, where Clinton and Greenspan and a team of economists plan to invest it wisely in a few low-risk card games to ensure a sufficient retirement income for the kids of America

Today Bill Gates announced that he is resigning from Microsoft and is joining the Chicago Cubs

Today the planet formerly known as the planet Pluto left the solar system in disgust: across America, people who have been marginalized due to their eccentric orbits rejoiced

Today Clinton cut the military, and has started programs to help soldiers move from war to work

There are no more teachers

The Moscow Symphony Orchestra refused to tune their instruments today

Y2K is Black History Millennium