Uncle Sam Apologizes 

iraq, i'm sorry for bombing that pipeline
china, i'm sorry. turkey, what's up? 
i thought we were supposed to be allies. 
sorry. geez. and, arab league, 
i'm sorry. if you guys don't want me, 
you know, defending you, 
stabilizing the region, 
i guess i'll leave. 

sorry about sudan, that 
might have been rash. 

italy, i'm sorry about flatheading 
that jet through the cable supporting 
that gondola. sorry about the twenty dead 
skiers. it wasn't on the map, i mean, sorry, 
i guess if you're going to take it so hard 
and say you don't want my jets landing there, 
well, i don't know. i'm trying to save the world. 

germany, i'm sorry for executing that 
german in arizona. that was stupid. i 
totally forgot: it was a violation of international 
law. you guys don't have the death penalty. 
huh. sorry about that, i feel like such an 
idiot. 

sorry about mai lai. 

and, nigeria, i'm sorry about chevron 
being in alliance with your military, 
using company helicopters to gun down 
all those nigerians protesting our 
destruction of the environment and whole- 
sale appropriation of another country's 
resource. but i don't know. you guys 
have a lot of problems to work out i mean, 
well, i suppose the corrupt and brutal 
dictatorship is party my fault. 

sorry about the atom bomb. but hey. 

amnesty international, um, about your 
accusation that female prisoners are 
routinely raped or rented out as sex slaves 
by guard to other prisoners. if that's true, 
that's bad. i'm gonna have to look into that. 
maybe build more prisons or something. 

allende, sorry, castro, sorry, daniel... 

canada, i can't believe you said that 
about the bovine growth hormone studies. 
you know we make better cigarettes. 

but you guys are scaring me. 

like i'm getting uncomfortable. 
russia, what's up? i gave you coca- 
cola and you denounce me like this? 

wow. 

would you do to me what you 
did to those tourists? 
like you would strip me of my satellite 
telephones in an isolated region 
where my swat teams are part 
of the night. you guys would blindfold 
me and drop me off on the street in 
East L.A. you guys would subject me to my own 
airstrikes, put me in my own prison, 
take away my multinationals 
and leave me to survive my own economy. 

i'm upset and 
i'm very sorry. 

i'm just worried about 
y2k.