12 March 1999

What happens to marijuana seeds you flush down the toilet?

Well, it depends upon where you live.

No matter where you live, however,
keep in mind that hemp is a resilient plant
doomed to grow upon this planet
despite all attempts to legislate it.

Now, for those in suburban areas,
some seeds will end up in pressurized septic
tanks. With any luck, they will rupture,
and the seed will be secreted into the earth in
a mixture of organic wastes which,
upon mingling with the soil,
will release nutrients into the soil.

So, in a century, or if there is an earthquake,
longer if necessary, because it is to plants
what fleas are to insects,
that seed may someday reach topsoil and sprout.

Maybe they will be swallowed whole by birds
and be excreted high aboive the countryside.

If, however, you live in a densely populated urban
area such as Chicago, your seeds may mutate
in the sewer sytem
(crossing genes with flushed pet alligators)
into cannibalistic lichen
which feed on human flesh
and send out tendrils
through sewer grates
to collect light and blossom into hyperpotent
marijuana buds
sticking out of grates into busy intersections.

This could be dangerous, because,
as these mutating plants develop intelligence
they could come to understand
that, in these times which both
prescribe and disallow marijuana,
that human beings are both their only predator
and their best hope of spreading seed
and pollinating worldwide.

So next time you're scoring a juicy Q
from your boy in Chicago,
check out his eyes,
look deep into them man,
because he might be a mutant plant
coming to get you, and give
you some weed so good
it'll rearrange your chromosomes
and suddenly there will
be dope seeds sprouting in your armpit
and you've got an uncontrollable urge
to leave town for a couple days
to go swimming in the Mississippi
you don't know why.

Call him "bud"
and watch his reaction close.

Because it's a smart plant, man.
Viral model. That's why they call it


Newspoetry at Spineless Books