26 March 1999

Dear Representative Johnson

I won’t beat around the bush. You never struck me as the sort of man who cared about human rights, so, when I ask you to endorse House Bill 474, which adds sexual orientation to the list of categories protected from discrimination in housing, employment, credit, and public accommodations, I do so because I think your endorsement of that bill will help you pick up chicks.

I know from conversations with local female politicians that you have never let family values deter you from hitting on the most unlikely women (women who find you repulsive because you are anti-choice and look like an 80-year-old heroin addict in a pink cashmere sweater) even though you are married to your most recent ex-wife-to-be.

Face it: according to some credible theories we are all inherently bisexual. Even lesbians. If you can appear to be a caring and open-minded legislator, then maybe the number of unlikely targets for your restless insecurity-driven and hopelessly oblivious come-ons will increase, onced you are on speaking terms with outstanding members of the gay and lesbian community. In fact, according to popular male fantasy, lesbian couples like to have sex with men.

Now please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not trying to accuse you of being heterosexual. You are more likely to score with gay guys too if you support this bill. And gay men are less likely to be turned off by your anti-choice stance then are women.

So think about what’s more important to you: working against human rights, or getting laid.

The choice is yours.

-Your loyal constituent


Newspoetry at Spineless Books