30 May 1999
The Fifth Column & William

SUPERVALU Champaign Distribution Center
May 6, 1999
To: All Drivers and Garage Personnel
CC: Suckers

Per the Warn Notice letter, the one that confirmed that SUPERVALU is an outlaw continuing criminal enterprise, and other recent threats and communications, we will begin transitioning our transportation operations to Risk Transportation beginning May 16, and finalizing on or about May 30, 2010. This transitionalization will be awkward for us, and potentially devastating for you, but is ultimately in the best interest of SUPERVALU. If you had ever tasted 120 million dollars, then you might understand the sweetness of 191 million dollars. It is hard for us to put this into terms we think you can understand. 

Any SUPERVALU driver signed on as a Risk Owner Operator will be the first to transition. Let us pause now for a prayer, then, if anyone else is slow witted enough to take our bait, we might be able to get more Risk Owner Operators signed on and head for the border with all that cash SUPERVALU is throwing around these days. SUPERVALU drivers by seniority from a volunteer sign-up list, will be given the opportunity to leave. Or if you should die in an explosion in the next couple of weeks, we will grant you the full severance package. LOOK OUT>>>STAMPEDE!!!! The $100.00 per day severance enhancement will also apply to all Garage personnel who work for SUPERVALU beyond May 15, 1999. Plus, if you have worked for us for more than twenty years, you get a pin, which will symbolize all you mean to us.

After that, SUPERVALU drivers in reverse seniority will be notified of their last scheduled workday. Due to schedule changes and inconvenience caused, we will pay an enhancement to the previously announced severance package of $100.00, and some leftover coke from when we helped Ollie North and Bill Clinton do that contra thing out of Arkansas back in the 80s, per day for each day actually worked past May 15, 1999. Garage personnel will also be notified of their last scheduled day to work during this transition period. These last scheduled days will be determined by knocking over milk bottles by throwing baseballs, or by throwing dice, to be decided at the discretion of management. Middle Management. M M. Mmmm... Middle Man. That's us. But you can call us "The Man."
If you have any questions regarding the foregoing information, please contact either Dave Burton or myself. We can usually be found drinking a special single malt scotch older than your children and worth more, per bottle, than you, in a room paneled in oak, and with cigars. 

Mike Guth

Director of Distribution

P.S. Sorry you guys' little union thing didn't pan out. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a fireman. I also used to pull the wings off flies and put them on the edge of the toilet, and watch them crawl. They would either fall in by accident or not. But now I'm middle management and I have vomited up my soul. I know, deep in my heart, that some of you will end up, as a result of this, with better jobs. But you will find no trace of that understanding in my paralytic scowl. Have you ever drowned a puppy? Knowing that it might have lived long enough to be loyal? No?


Newspoetry at Spineless Books