20 October 1999
William Gillespie & Dirk Stratton

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"Many who had questions about the treaty worked hard to postpone the vote because they knew a defeat would be damaging to America's interests and to our role in leading the world away from nonproliferation."

—Clinton on defeat of Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty, 14 October 19

Clinton signs Comprehensive Acid Test Ban Treaty


Clinton signs the International Acid Test Ban Treaty. The surprise announcement, released over the Worldwide Web, completely shut down the entire Internet. Worldwide chaos ensued as electronic commerce ground to a halt, banks failed, the stock market crashed, and search engines froze as Clinton's slowly dissolving visage gradually took over every computer screen in the known universe.

Outraged Republican lawmakers vowed vengeance, insisting that they were really, really, really, really, really, really mad this time and claiming that they wouldn't take it anymore. "We never wanted to test acid, in the first place," Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott fumed, in a peculiarly high and squeaky voice, "and to suggest otherwise, even implicitly, is simply an act of blatant political partisanship by the most disgusting, slimey, infantile, wretched, sex-obsessed, pedophilic, stupid, icky, poophead ever to be elected by a gullible electorate, who, by the way, also make us pretty mad sometimes. Believe me, the Republican leadership intends to get even some way and some day, no matter how ridiculous we look or politically damaging our actions are to the Republican Party."

Asked why Lott sounded so funny, a spokesperson explained that he and other members of the GOP had been sequestered in a helium-rich atmosphere in decompression chamber to protect them from their persistent high blood pressure and frequent episodes of frothing at the mouth.

White House spokespeople had no comment.

The President continues to disintegrate.

Newspoetry at Spineless Books