19 July 2000
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Clinton Arrested in Fairville, Oklahoma

Gus: Well now, if it ain't the sheriff strutting into his office like John Wayne. What's got you to grinning like a rascal?

Zeke: Well, Gus, I did Weatherstripper County proud today. I done arrested a real big criminal right here in Fairville, right downtown, right outside the post office!

Gus: That sounds like a yarn, Zeke. What would a real big-time criminal be doing lurking around these here parts?

Zeke: Well, Gus, he was giving a speech about the global economy right over there at the Hostess plant.

Gus: You mean.. you arrested Bill Clinton?

Zeke: You bet I did, Gus, he's a member of the President's Gang. Them outlaws have been acting like they own the country since I don't know when. Reckon there's more than fifty of them. They've got all kinds of guns too. No telling how many's alive or where they's hiding out.

Gus: Dagnabbit Zeke! You cain't just arrest a man like that. When he's giving a speech and all.

Zeke: Shucks, he's got a file so thick it'd come up to a horse's shoulder. He's had his nose in money laundering, real estate shenanigans, and the things he's done to women are just sick, Gus. And I got him on resisting arrest for sure.

Gus: Well. What about his bodyguards?

Zeke: Well now, Gus, I had to arrest them too. They were right ornery bastards. Tried to put up a fight. I damn near had to tan each and every one of they hides. Right now I got one of em trussed like a turkey in the detention cell. The others are in the back of the wagon out front.

Gus: And his wife?

Zeke: Now, Gus, she ain't done no wrong. She's a nice lady and it ain't her fault her husband's a scoundrel. I let her go. Fact is, she thanked me for arresting that no-good man of hers.

Gus: Land sakes alive! Now what did you do with that there jet he flew in on? Air Force One?

Zeke: Impounded it. It'll bring in a pretty penny at the police auction up in Middlington next July.

Gus: I don't know about all this, Zeke.

Zeke: Heck, Gus, you oughta be proud of me! After the mayor hears about this, why I bet he hires me a deputy. I been keeping the streets clean in Weatherstripper County singlehandedly long enough. I sure could use me an assistant!

Newspoetry at Spineless Books