26 December 2000

The Santa Clause

Santa sighed. For a moment he had thought "There's no way I'm delivering those fucking brats any presents this year."

Santa appeared before the UN General Assembly requesting that Iraq be given back its "no-fly zone" for Xmas, religious differences notwithstanding.

Santa worked the third shift at a General Motors plant outside Mexico city.

Santa 's lawyer filed a lawsuit against R.J. Reynolds on behalf of his client, who claimed that fifty years of smoking Camels had given him repetitive motion syndrome.

Santa had been roughed up by the LAPD for trying to deliver presents to Watts. He never had any trouble in Beverly Hills, but getting a Trans-Am down a chimney without scratching the paint takes about twenty elves.

Monsanto spliced Santa's chromosomes into corn chromosomes to create a variety of corn that could be harvested on December 25th. The FDA never approved it for human consumption, but Santa is already in your polente and your empanadas.

Santa had given both those bush kids lumps of coal this year (Jeb and Dubya the oldest people in America to receive presents from Santa Claus, due to an executive order signed in 1990), but the media wouldn't touch the story. Only Newspoetry reported on it.

The military and the CIA had wanted to work closely with Santa in delivering presents to certain "trouble spots" overseas. The military was unconcerned that none of the regions in question celebrated Christmas.

Santa recounted all the ballots by hand, but it was too late.

Santa took a deep breath, and signed the Santa Clause.

Newspoetry at Spineless Books